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Hello folks… seems to be how I always start these things. A few nights ago in a chatroom labeled “Ning”, I was beset upon by the likes of a fat dude, who was drunk and angry (they seem to jiggle when they shake their blubbery wrists) and a dude with nothing else to do but scream and bash his fist into his face.

Fun stuff, always a treat.

Anyways, the two decided, by some interesting prospect, to change their chat handles to my chat handle, namely “Morgan James Gavin”. And then the fun started. While I simply continued on, powered by my own brand of “Shut the fuck up”, they simply retaliated in what they must’ve assumed was genius work.

But yours truly had a plan, I wrote lengthy bits without spaces, I changed my texts color and font, I used every available means to get them to stop.

I was like Stretch armstrong with a boner.

Needless to say, the man who loved the feeling of his bones breaking under the force of his own fist, loved me too much to go away. Much like Hatpiss111. Anyways, after a while I started getting a little bit interesting. Like I’m not already, but I digress. I delved into that seldom used part of my mind that becomes my ultimate weapon.

That’s right folks, my realization about EVERYTHING! I ripped the “Fist to face guy”, (or was it the “Fat Jiggly One”? I can never remember) a new one so vast he had to change his ID twice to get the sting of my verbal tornado out of his mind. I was genius! I was epic! I was like one of the rare few, who upon climbing Mt. Trebek, stabbed the fucker in the head with a jello shot! Yes….

It was that epic.

But I digress my fellow readers, blogstalkers, and of course, e-stalker, I went into this phase of mind where things simply clicked into place, and my truest, most pure essence came out like a vat of fondu cheese being poured on a chicken greased up during a mud wrestling match! And during this relentless persuit of the meaning of the varied Human existence, I nailed down three positively epic truths:

1. Everything is a pain in the ass routine we simply need to repeat everyday in order for us to feel good about ourselves.
2. Cybah stalkahs, bullies, and Glenn Beck, feel they deserve the spotlight on them entirely. Any deviance from them results in a catostrophic meltdown.
3. The mind and the body, while interconnected, are separate entities when it comes to being able to be copied. While the body, having a genetic code unique to itself can simply be cloned, can’t be duplicated, the mindset of any person can by other people.

You already knew that right? But it does some interesting things. I’d rather not get into that because if I do, then all Hell will break loose, and there are ten of the little fuckers, so I don’t want to try. That and I’m a bit lazy. So it all evens out in the end. Truth be told, I’ve been too busy to even remember the simple things.

Like my cellphone.

And where I put it after I finished using it.

Seriously, its ticking me off.

You can always count on me to cause some sort of interesting ruckus around the place, considering that I’m usually the one at fault for something that might’ve been completely harmless at one point. And normally, if it had been any other year, and I had learned of Posterous, I would have gladly been ranting and raving about the unfairness that the Victorvalley college ASB had doled out on me for several reasons which I can never remember. Truth be told, it was some fun summer loving that got me all riled up.

Well… not exactly, mostly it was my own fault for not opening my mouth and speaking my mind about any old thing. Because lets face it, life’s more interesting when you’ve been blamed for everything from misunderstandings, to almost getting into an intentional fight because of something you wrote on the net. And maybe I should just leave the comments on so Hatpiss can get his few measley idiotic words in.

….nah.

Hey, I don’t care what he has or hasn’t been writing on that stupid blog of his, I’ll say what I want on this about him. Besides, Hatpiss aint his ID so I can’t get in trouble for writing something about something named Hatpiss can I? Unless there is a Hooters like establishment named Hatpiss. although I think that if there were, I don’t think they’d be selling beers there. Infact, Hatpiss might actually turn out to be a good title of a movie.

Oh well. But lets face it folks, if you watched any of the political attack ads, you’d know, and I’m sure you’ve noticed a simple theme streamlining each of these horrid debacles.

They all are lowering themselves to appeal to the younger audiences. I mean seriously, we’ve gone from intelligent ads that display facts about the person they are attacking to simple demon sheep.

DEMON SHEEP! OH MY GOD! As if the intellectual bar has not fallen closer to the ground than the amount of effort Hatpiss puts into each of his creepy little demon sheep filled entries. I’m kidding of course, Hatpiss doesn’t have any demon sheep. Just creepy little entries of self depreciating hate. ZING AND BOOSH! At any rate, when we have things like demon sheep running about in places where the Youtube generation seems to get a kick out of it, then we actually do have to question whether or not our educational system is doing any good.

Dont fire the teachers, lead the stupid ipod lemmings to a cliff and push one off to see how many others jump off in hopes of being the cool kid on the block. Because that’s whats happening folks. The youth of today is simply not smart enough to engage people intellectually with out the use of Wikipedia, Google, Bing, or Yahoo. Or texting for that matter. They are simply bred into a world where technology has taken a firm grip of God’s balls and squeezed so hard, that motherboards pop out his tear ducts.

Fifty terrabit motherboards mind you.

It’s God, so he shouldn’t be in the much pain.

Speaking of tech, it seems that China will be getting its own balls squeezed by the fact they underestimated the use of Google.cn being shut down. I know it’s just breaking news, but here is my prediction.

China, with out a real sense of what the fuck to do with out Google, will simply go insane, as businesses spiral out of control, the people finally get a glimpse of just what the hell they are missing out on regaurding pay checks, and then China’s Prime Minister’s head will implode on itself (figuratively speaking) and the Communist nation will go into a white zone where shit just starts progressing.

I’m all for the freedom of speech, and the fact that in a world where information is just gushing out everywhere, China’s population is still in the dark about what is out there. I mean really, if people knew what they were missing out on, then wouldn’t progress be made through the natural selection act made possible in the year ‘The Single Moment Time Began’?

What I don’t get is what China is so afraid of. What, they want to be stuck in a 1950’s like paystub for the rest of eternity, or at least until the sun explodes and kills us all off? Seriously. What the fuck is up China? Why you gotta be a bitch like that huh?

Kidding. China’s not the bitch of the world, Hatpiss is the bitch of China, who is the bitch of the universe. Feel that? I just traded China for a pack of smokes.

While I was editing this mighty blog of mine, some other more interesting thoughts came to mind, of which I willeth displayeth hereth foreth youeth. Revenge of the Eths!

1. If Chuck Norris and Betty White got into a fight of cosmic proportions, do you think Africa would start talking shit to Oprah?
2. Regaurdless of whether or not the afterlife exists, do ghosts get boners?
3. Do Gerbils have healthcare plans?
4. Ten thoughts never thought about are about to be thought about. Think about it.
5. Does Stephen Hawking ever get any action in that chair of his?
6. If a extreme wrestler enters the womans restroom, does he come out looking like Jodie Foster after a botched surgery?
7. Do demon sheep get it on with angelic lions?
8. I really don’t like cheese and cookies if taken together.
9. Tosh.0 is nothing more then a Youtube commenter with a flashy entrance and a top hat. HE HAS A FUCKING TOP HAT!

Among these more, interesting thought I have is the monumental procedure in which everything just goes to shit, and you are simply bombarded by strenuous thoughts, by which no man will escape with out thinking his balls have shrunk into raisonets.

That and my eye brow is twitching. Imagine that. I think that would be like if some strange person decided to stand on a soap box and slap his junk around with a tazer in front of a bus filled with extreme Japanese conservitives with cameras. Think about that shit, that would so fucking happen in New York.

Speaking of awkward things happening to an unsuspecting public. Apparently a TV network aired two hours worth of porn previews during a childrens show line up. You know, this kinda gives a new meaning to the title “Dora the explorer”. Yeah, you saw where I was going with that shit, didnt you? Lmao.

Now for the grand finally, where I blurt every single thing that comes to mind like the back of a Russians foot after failing ice skating to the Sweds. Oh I went there, no matter how inaccurate I am, the Ruskies lost! And we still got our asses handed to us in hockey by the Maple Syrup Suckers. Canada, I’m talking to you. Lucky bastards.

Oh hell, I think my brains going to explode into a shower of epicness with the likes that Heman shall never see. Because he’s a fucking cartoon, dicks. If ever there was a moment in time where I could travel through time, and kick someone in the face hard enough to send them forward in time, to where they knock someone back in time to kick me in the shins? I would so do that in a heart beat. Oh yeah this is something I’ve always wanted to write in a public forum:

HITLER WAS A FUCKING JEW! TAKE THAT KKK OF THE WORLD! HE WAS A FUCKING JEW!

My apologies to the Middle East, I was only saying that to piss the KKK off. OOO! I JUST THOUGHT OF SOMETHING ELSE!

Let Gay Black men into the KKK you stupid redneck hicks! So what if they want to hate against their own kind! It’ll give you something to laugh at while your kids flunk out of school and get raped by Billy McfFeelemup!

My apologies to anyone with that unfortunate last name. And my awesome congrats to the bloodline that belongs to.

Now that Im thinking about it, what would a pot of fondu cheese being poured on a greased up chicken during a mud wrestling match actually look like? NBC’s coverage of the Winter Olympics, marred only by Glenn Beck and Eric Massa tickling it out in the verbal ring of death! CREEPY LITTLE WHITE GIRL FELL DOWN GO BOOSH!

Another thing, fucking G key keeps popping out of the damned keyboard! WHAT THE FUCK G KEY!? YOU THINK YOURE NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO STAY IN PLACE!? HOW DARE YOU FUCKING THINK YOURE BETTER THEN THE SPACE BAR! STAY PUT FUCKING G KEY! STAY THE FUCK PUT!

I sure told that G key. Damn it.

The one thing I hate more then the feeling like you have to piss and shit at the same time, is when you have to piss, shit, burp, fart, and sneeze at the same time. Thats gotta make an awkward family picture right there.

I also will declare a Fatwa against my boogers if they don’t leave me alone

Jihad Janes story: I watched “Desperate Housewives of OC and thought that I wanted to blow up the United States of MY FUCKING NOSE HAIR WONT LEAVE ME ALONE! WHY!?

Wow… Two thoughts that should never go together. Change that… Three thoughts. Nose hairs, terrorism, and “Real House wives of Orange County.

Well, that wraps up this insane thought fest. Now to edit and put this sucker up! Another four pages of fucking editing!

Posted via web from {{http://twistedhauptansragepage.posterous.com}}

Hello folks… seems to be how I always start these things. A few nights ago in a chatroom labeled “Ning”, I was beset upon by the likes of a fat dude, who was drunk and angry (they seem to jiggle when they shake their blubbery wrists) and a dude with nothing else to do but scream and bash his fist …

Anton Valkenmen? Heidi Montag? Or the diseased Dr. Frank Ryan? Which is more of a threat to our childrens national security? On the one hand, Anton Valkenmen is somewhat of a psychological mystery with the habit of getting raped by homeless people in New York Cities better slums. On the other, you have Heidi Montag, a once beautiful woman, turned ugly in the pursuit, of “Perfection”!

Then there is Dr. Frank Ryan, whose flesh tearing job as a plastic surgeon, is a far deadlier job then that of the Black Plague era torturer. What does he really do behind that mask!? WORSHIP EVIL!?

Perfection. All three are obsessed with the very nature of it. Anton, with the art of defending his pedophilia, has spoken as such, stating and I quote “That this is not an act of violation, but merely, an act of love, upon which is the very definitive, truth, protected by the freedom of expression.”. How can this be? It is an act of which you are not only having sex with under age children, but psychologically scarring them for life! Heidi Montag? Before she went under the rusted and untrustworthy blade of the disturbed and God hating, Dr. Frank Ryan, did she look anything like regular women, that men are proud to have married! Has Heidi been worshiping the Devil of surgical nightmares? Is she one more operation away from completely ruining her already overtly disfigured body? What is the message that she and Frank Ryan are sending to little girls every where, girls, who idolize Heidi with an almost fanatical psychology?

I guess the real message here is not what she has done with a perfectly normal body. But WHY has she dashed the hopes and dreams of millions everywhere!? What is Heidi Montags message? Is it one of which states that self sacrifice pays off towards perfection? Or is it simply that she no longer cares about the way God almighty has made her? And what about Dr. Franklin Ryan? What is his message to the already confused masses? I should fear the worst should Heidi and frank team up with the pedophalistic ideals of one Anton Valkenmen. Should we spare these Devil worshiping, child violators our mercy!? Simply because two of them are a reality star and a surgeon? And the other is, a pedophile on the worst scale? What should the voice of the world say when they see these monsters of psychological, parental, societal, and childhood abuse walking down their streets!? Should we watch with teary, dewy eyes as a woman, who is not content with her body; A surgeon, whose moral compass has long since lost true north; A pedophile who claims his crimes are art, masquerade as something that they truly are not naturally?

Should we allow such men with demonic talents, such fierce determination to make ugly women on the inside, ugly on the out side as well!? What would our founding fathers say, if they knew the strange debacles this great nation has led itself into, relenting only when the sufficiently wealthy or famous, or for that matter disturbed, brand themselves other then what they truly are: Monsters.
Demons.
The Devil itself.
The American nightmare turned reality!

Yes, its true that Dr. Frank Ryan is no longer operating on the perfection obsessed, tortured, twisted, and traumatized soul that resides with in Heidi Montags body. But how many other unfortunate women, who are dissatisfied with themselves, will he claim under his wing? And what of the so called “Artistic Talents” of the pedophile Anton Valkenmen? How dare he. How dare he ruin this nations children, with such draconian, vile, disruptive, and disturbing practice! Is he in cahoots with Frank and Heidi? Will they become some sort of super threat to the nations youth? Can you imagine the horror that might become of such entrapment?

It’s not such a far leap to the obvious conclusion of this far gone idea, that with time, would destroy- no… not just destroy! Morally corrupt, religiously destroy, and pervade our culture more and more with each passing moment that we allow such demonstrations of destruction! Of what would, and will become a beacon for even more nightmarish crimes that would be allowed to be committed!? Right under our very eyes.

Heidi, using her star power to brainwash the children of tomorrow into coming into a secluded camp for young boys and girls to improve upon what she would consider to be “imperfection” on their bodies. Anton Valkenmen would give into his sexual depravities, sexually assaulting little boys and girls, under the guise that he would be “preparing them” for a delicious treat. WHAT TREAT WOULD THAT BE ANTON? YOUR SPERM!? After which, they would be gleefully put under the gas, and operated on by the villainous Dr. Franklin Ryan, and disfigured into hideous, horrific versions of their former self! OH THE NIGHTMARES THAT WOULD BECOME! Then, after some more violating from Anton, they, the sobbing, sore, scar ridden children of Camp “Perfection”, would be brain washed by Heidi Montag into believing that their new looks are they way god wanted them to be! With a puppet show no less! The children would return, demented, deranged and deformed from their horrific experience! No longer would they be friends with the special ed children of their domiciles of education, but monsters, born of creature of the darkest shredded psyches. They would say that their Mommies and Daddies would need to visit this Camp “Perfection”; then truly… our children’s innocence would be lost!

my friends, I reach out, a concerned citizen of these fine United states of America- nay, a Human Being, a resident of the planet Earth, in order to warn you of the evils of this potentially traumatizing, demonic, trio: Heidi Montag, Frank Ryan, and Anton Valkenmen. Their evil must be stopped, before they truly have a chance to join together and kill off the innocence that is held dear to trillions of parents world wide.

I ask you this one simple question: How long before their evil ways infect your children? And how do you know it hasn’t happened already!?

For those of you, who have not the intelligence to decipher, this post is put up in purely comedic, parody, and nonsensical context. Or is it!?

Posted via web from The mind of Morgan James Gavin | Comment »