defenatley not what you think

Custodi Della Realtà, part 7.4

Outside of the mobile mansion, it was a serene and quiet winter wonderland, covered in hundreds of reindeer and elf corpses which lined the devestating battle between Santas good and evil.

“Ho, ho, ho!” the Evil Santa replied as the Good Santa brought out his big red sack, scratched it, and then placed it back in his trousers, then swung his magic velvet bag of gifts at Evil Santa, but before the bag could impact the fiery Evil Santa’s head, they were both stomped on by the Colossus of Darkness.

’Only I shall be the decider!” it roared in fury, as the Planetoid’s crust opened up, like a pill bug unfurling itself after a threat had passes. The face of Brad Pitt stared out into the vastness of space, looking for the Chasm’s presence in the all consuming roar of the black, heartless, and wildly unknown void.

“Who are you, one whose size means nothing in a place like this?” a tiny voice called out, fiery in passion, ice cold in intelligence, and wielding a wet noodle shaped like Al Gore’s face. The Planetoid’s face stretched outward, revealing a small threadlike neck that seem to go on for miles. The Colossus of Darkness became level with the stranger, looked him dead in the eyes, and said the only thing that popped into his mind.

“I… am… Batman.” the Planetoids face said in growling tones.

“No…I’m Batman, you, are the Colossus of Darkness! Destroyer of trillions, and receiver of AOL demo discs. Welcome to the Other Side!” the stranger said while dressed like Batman. “You might want to rethink your shape in this place friend-“

”I AM NO ONE’S FRIEND!” the Colossus roared, as storm clouds gathered in a spiral formation, looking like all the universes sick and disturbed visions, while blood like lightning rained down upon the ground around the Colossus.

The stranger sighed nonchalantly.

“Yeah… and I’m Batman, I thought we already covered this?” the tiny Batman impersonator said, while the Colossus suddenly and unexpectedly became a famous line dancer by the name of Cod Williamson. But then Cod Williamson had a falling out with his rabid, and infinite fanbase when he called country music “Nothing more the cowboys and cowgirls bitching about their problems while doing a jig.” This led to severe depression, and just because he could, he destroyed the very planet he became famous on.

Two days later, the pill bug like Colossus squiggled back to the impersonator.

”Feel better?” the tiny man in the Batman costume asked.

“No… I don’t. I wanted a hot dog too.” the Colossus replied as magma like tears dropped from the Brad Pitt looking face.

The mobile mansion passed by the tiny person and the Colossus, and the Thompson family stopped by, what they thought was a tourist attraction, to take pictures. But that didn’t seem to be the brightest idea to the Kotaku’s and they got into an argument with the Thompsons. Then the Overland family became embroiled in the fight while the fourth family, then Cambrites, simply stared ahead as they continued taking pictures, while the foot of the Colossus tried squishing them.

Morgan looked up just in time to see the foot and jumped in the picture at the last minute, holing up his hands.

“SPIRIT BOMB! Oh shit, wrong place or time.” but it was too late, as the spiritual energies gathered into a large and frankly violent looking punk rock band from the 80’s trashing a record store. “Bokushingu no seishin wo! Iwa darake no roketto panchi!” Morgan called out, as the spirit of Rocky Balboa knocked the record store trashers out, and sent their forms flying into the foot of the Colossus. Rocky then sent a haymaker into the front of the little toe of the Colossus, then screamed out the name of Adrian, before exploding into a little pile of confetti.

“Wow… was not expecting that to happen… at all.” Morgan said as he watched the foot of the Colossus slam down on both the Cambrites and himself.

The Thompson, Kotaku, and Overland families stopped their arguing, shooting, and back stabbing, just long enough for the Colossus to step on them as well. Aneeh simply stood up from the pile of pointy statues and laughed, until she was stepped on too, repeatedly, and with enough force to cause some serious earthquake issues.

”I am the Colossus of Darkness, fear my strength!” it roared. The Batman impersonator took off his mask, and it turned out to be Morgan Freeman, who simply began to read ‘Catcher In The Rye’.

The feet lifted off their perspective targets, and only Morgan, Aneeh, and Antimo survived the onslaught.

“That was painful. Beyond recognition.” Antimo said calmly, as he simply brushed the debris off his shoulder. Morgan was a little too dazed to really get into the moment, but he wondered where they were, and more importantly, what he was originally doing.

The Door of Existence and the Chasm of Non-existence conversed through the broken, mangled, and burnt beyond recognition body of Barney Fife, former Robot King. His body, which had gone through battle with eight of the ten Guardians of Reality, simply acted like a vessel for the Door and the Chasm.

“I had fun these last few weeks, didn’t you?” the voice of the Chasm spoke in gurgling, dark tones that reeked of a volition of hatred for Existence and everything that stood for.

“You called that fun? You’re a monster! We sacrificed hundreds of thousands of millions of yottas of lives, simply for you to say that you had some fun!?” the Door replied, angered that the Chasm would think of such a thing as fun.

“Yes.” the Chasm said simply, the energies that were coursing through Barney Fife’s corpse caused tentacles of fire to rip across his face.

“You’re right! That was TONS fun! It was shame that the Great Mouth had to die in the process, although we could bring it back as well.” the door concurred.

The lips of the Great Mouth fell from the untold heights and slammed into the ground, right next to Barney Fife with out so much as a shock wave. The great mouth, whose size was nearly that of a mountain in comparison to the body of Barney Fife, rumbled a little bit before settling down.

“We should revive them, dearest Father and beloved Mother.” a new voice calmly said as it walked out of the Great Mouth’s ball of insects with a half torn smile on his face.

“I really do miss my little sister.” the man laughed as his weighted trench coat floated around his legs, which had been wrapped in heavy steel springs. The being who walked out the shadows, was none other than Joshua Arhem.

”I would love to see her smiling face again, wouldn’t you as well, my loving parents?”

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Outside of the mobile mansion, it was a serene and quiet winter wonderland, covered in hundreds of reindeer and elf corpses which lined the devestating battle between Santas good and evil. “Ho, ho, ho!” the Evil Santa replied as the Good Santa brought out his big red sack, scratched it, and then p …

custodi della realtà, part 7

Glenn Beck, dressed in floating demonic armor, with a battle ax made of frozen jello in one hand and a shield that was made out of Oprah’s hair in the other, shouted Aneeh’s name before exploding into a fireball of self loathing that only the Chasm could dream of.

”Wow… simply… wow.” she said calmly as her brother ismply shrugged and shot eric massa in the head with a cross bow.

“So, my dearest little sister, I think it’s time we had a talk about what Joshua did to our family that was so horrific, don’t you?” Joseph said with a calm voice, giving no impression that he would attack his sister. ”You don’t get it do you!?” Aneeh screamed out loud, “YOU JUST DON’T GET IT! JOSHUA WAS PLANNING TO KILL OUR GRANDFATHER!” Joseph remained calm and collected as the scene played out exactly as Joshua had told him it would.

“Listen… Aneeh. I have something to tell you, something you may not want to hear, but I’m going to tell it to you anyways.” the Arhem man requested quietly. “Joshua, my dearest baby brother, found something out about Grandpa Arhem, something that caused him great grief.” Joseph began in a happy tone of voice. He watched as Aneeh tried to still her beating heart, so full of rage and anger towards her own sibling that it had blinded her to the truth. “He found out that Grandpa Arhem had figured out the locations of the Flesh Bound Book, the Broken Blade, and the Stolen Soul. He had found those three items, and was about to use them to kill you off!” her brother continued, ignoring Morgan’s slowly regenerating body. “Don’t you see Aneeh? Grandpa Arhem found out about your secret, the one all three of us swore to protect with our lives! He knew that the Book, the Blade, and the Soul were the only ture means of ending our lives, so Joshua explained that he was going to stop the Arhem Family Head’s plan, to nix the youngest generation!” Joseph watched with a tear in his eyes as Aneeh simply fell to her knees in the middle of space, which by now had changed into a jumpy house filled with little plastic balls.

“But that can’t be!” she screeched, “No… I refuse to believe it! Parivāra kē khūna kī rēkhā kē viśvāsaghātī, śāpa maiṁ tumhēṁ maranē kē li’ē!” she pointed a finger at her brother, who simply stood there. “Why won’t you believe me Aneeh!? Is it that hard to accept the truth that Joshua was trying to protect you!? Why are you so stubborn that you would kill your own brother, and now your trying to kill me off as well!? God damn it! I’m trying to keep the last specks of the Arhem family together!” Joseph yelled out while he started to tremble. “Yes, we are working for the Chasm, yes, I agree that Joshua could’ve done things different, he could’ve just destroyed the Book, melted the Blade, and freed the Soul. But he knew, Aneeh. He knew that our Grandfather would never allow such a secret to be kept with our lives! That’s why he chose to be shunned, as long as you remained safe!” Aneeh looked furious at first, then she lowered her finger. A thought he started to grow in her mind, a thought that maybe what Joshua did wasnt so bad after all, and that Joseph was telling the truth.

She couldn’t let her anger at the incident go, no matter what truths were revealed. Or it was more like her anger would never let Aneeh go. ”I will kill you Joseph, I will defeat the Chasm’s plans with Morgan and we will be victorious. I’m sorry that our trio could not live to see this day, but there has been too much blood shed, and no matter how many times I wash my hands of it, there will always be that stain and smell that disgusts me to no end on them!” Aneeh said in a quivering voice. “This is my final decision, and when I kill you-”

“If it means that much to you, for me to die as well, so that what ever’s eating away at you, will be even the least bit satisfied, then I will do the deed myself.” Joseph interrupted. The ruins that the Chasm had placed in his body started to glow as cracks spread out from his body.

”I love you Aneeh, don’t ever forget that. And find yourself a man, so that the next generation of Arhems can become reality. Protect out bloodli-” Joseph stopped suddenly as flames erupted from the cracks like lightning, shattering the Arhem man into an untold number of peices. “Parivāra kē khūna kī rēkhā kē viśvāsaghātī, śāpa maiṁ tumhēṁ maranē kē li’ē…” Aneeh repeated sadly, as the wall in her mind that blocked off the memories of their childhood melted away. She could only stand there in thought, her eyes half closed as a freshly regenerated hand rested on her shoulder.

“I’m sorry for your loss. We have work to do, and God only knows how far away Antimo is by this point.” Morgan said with a bit of sadness to his voice. He started to walk into the distance, occasionally giving into the urge of bouncing a few times with a gleefull expresion on his face. ’No… you will never know the depths that our roots are interconnected Morgan, you will never know.’ the Arhem woman thought coarsely as a new voice entered her mind.

‘Oh yes he will. You’ve forgotten already, but he lost his Wife to the Golden Strands, and even though he’s still strong on the outside, he’s constantly taking a beating deep down.’ Credion sighed as she stepped out of Aneeh’s body. The war had taken a strange and unexpected turn, as the Door and the Chasm became corporate CEOs and had arrange a Pool Noodle fight to encourage intercompany relations. Although only they knew the truth. For the first time, both leaders of the armies that were fighting against each other, took on Human forms.

The Door of Existence, took on the form of a Black woman with shoulder length hair, a medium sized chest, average looks, and had two blazingly bright blue eyes. She was dressed in a business casual suit, dark grey pumps, and had a briefcase that occasionally released sparks into the air that created more of the Granite Statues. The Chasm however, created the hollow shell of a White woman, dark blonde hair that was tied off into a ponytail that reached the small of her back, with ravaging rouge colored eyes that had snake like slits for pupils. She was dressed in a dark black robe with a white hood that hung loosely over one shoulder. And not much else. The robe was tied off.

As both women stepped out of their respective holes, they gave each other snarling looks of the deepest contempt. “Well, I suppose we should give our armies their respective colored Pool Noodles to beat each other up with?” the Door said as she adjusted her right breast which had decided to take a road trip across her body. Half way through its trip, it ran out of gas and pulled into a nearby station. In the middle of filling its tank up, it decided to return to the bra cup that it missed so much. The Chasm laughed like a crack head on spring break with two eightballs laid out before it. “Yes we should, and perhaps we should give each’s names. By the way? You look like you’ve dressed to be a stripper.”

The Door simply ignored these remarks. “You know as well as I do that our true bodies remain in their steadfast postions. Try to remember that one fact at least. My name shall be…” the Door thought to herself as her vagina shot out a galaxy size beam of light, turning the midget who was underneath it into a pile of ash. “Ah, the felt good! My name shall be tina, Tina Door.” tina said with a pleasant smile. The chasm simply coughed as her vagina shot out a roaring red beam of molten blood. “Fuck it, my name’s Chrissy, Chrissy Chasm.”

“Suits you well,” Tina smiled as smoke flowed out of her vagina, causing a passing family to gawk and stare. “Extreme PMS.” Tina said calmly. “Anyways my side shall have blue Pool Noodles, and your side shall have red Pool Noodles. Agreed?” in respone, Chrissy gave Tina the finger and punched her in the stomach. “Yeah. What about us? Are we just going to fight it out to the death, or will we let our armies just kill each other for eternity?” Chrissy said with a bit of a cynical tone to her voice. Tina thought quietly for a while as yet another Midget was victim to her vagibeam.

“Nope, our chosen warriors will represent us in the End Game. Besides, if we get bored, we’ll just change things around.” the Door said with out much thought. Alex, Omega, and Alpha had reached the inner most depths of the Cutting Dimension, and had managed to collect three of the twelve Fragments named Mu, Nu, and Xi, who were under Sho’s command, when they reached a snag in their journey. The Fragments themselves had made an enemy out of the fourth and final member of the dual lettered Fragments, Pi.

‘This happened,’ Xi explained, ‘When Mu ate Pi’s birthday cake by accident, right in front of Pi herself. The whole thing. Even Nu didn’t get a peice.’ Alex wondered if the shorter the names of the fragments, the less rational they became had anything to do with it. Alpha rejected that idea when he revealed that all Fragments were of equal intelligence. ‘It’s just that Pi really likes birthday cake.’ he said inside of Alex’s mind, which was a lot roomier then Morgan’s.

“By the way,” the Preacher asked cautiously, “I have been wondering this for a while, but have they encountered Morgan as well?” Alex wondered with a bit of bewilderment in his voice. Omega answered before the three had a chance for themselves. “Yes… in fact, that’s how Morgan managed to snag us up before Alpha and I were exiled to our little prison. They would’ve just destroyed us, and then rebuilt new Fragments out of our bodies, but that’s just how the Leaders are I guess.” she hummed while Mu simply shoved another peice of birthday cake in her mouth.

Alex noticed that Mu, Nu, and Xi looked like children in appearance, while Alpha and Omega looked middle aged. He wasn’t sure if something happened once they got promoted, or if that’s just the way the Fragment’s caste system worked. But it did have some potential for research. They walked along the Cutting Dimension’s edges, noting the differences between the forest of spinning razors to their left, the ocean of peoples faces being slapped by whale sized fish to their right, the sky of jellyfish with spiked collars above them, and the sand made out of peoples noses under their feet. “Wow… this place is a strange and wonderful… Whatever is it.” Alex seemed to say before noticing a person that looked exactly like him, only dressed in opposite color scheme.

“Are you a fellow Minister, tasked with the mission of spreading the word of God around?” Alex asked happily as he raised a hand to give, what he thought was a fellow believer, a hand shake. “No, I was tasked with peeling your skin off, setting fire to your entrails, and then ramming my fist through your still quivering heart. But I’ll shake your hand anyways, it’s nice to have someone that welcomes their own death in this place. It’s a rare commodity.” the person said in frozen tones.

Alex felt a dark power surge through him, like a shard of metal so cold, that it thoroughly chilled him to the bone. “Might I know the name of my attempted slayer?” the Preacher asked, still maintaining a friendly smile, even through the Fragments inside of him were shouting wanrings at the top of their lungs. “Oh… sure! My name is Xela, and… well, I’m going to kill you, to put it bluntly. Oh yeah, I like your watch! Hekuri ndezur Hell’s gomave!” Xela said calmly, still holding on to Alex’s hand, while a flaming tire iron made of Demon bones smashed him in the temple, sending him reeling to the ground.

“Fight back you idiot!” Xi yelled out to Alex. “Call out our names in any order you wish, and then we shall do our stuff!” Alpha said calmly, as Alex struggled to get to his feet.

“Um… Xi, Mu, Nu, Omega!” a diamond studded boxing glove sprang out of a little door on the ground and sent Xela rocketing into the air, occasionally getting zapped by the jellyfish or stabbed by their spiked collars. “So you have the Fragments of Reality!? Fine! I’ll fight back with the Fragments of Discord! Agemo, Un, Um, Ix!” Xela called out as rockets burst from the folds of his clothes and slammed into the ground around Alex. The explosions sent him flying, but the Preacher still remained as focused as ever.

“Alpha, Mu, Xi, Omega!” the Preacher called out and Zombies were shot out of a giant supersoaker. “Oh come on! I hate Zombies! Are they wearing packs of plastic explosives? Oh shi-” the Zombies grabbed onto Xela whereever their rotting hands could, exploding with the slightest bit of contact.

Xela was slammed into an outcrop of rocks that looked more like the blades of a blender than rocks. “Agemo, Ahpla, Um, Ix!” the Negapreacher shouted with glee as a giant cannon ripped through the crotch of his pants, and gathered energy into a tiny black orb. “Think you can survive this Alex? DIE!”

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