Morgan awoke to the sounds of three giant Glenn Becks, jovially rolling down a hill of dung while retracting his statements about Obama being a racist.
“I can’t identify with those comments Mr. Wallace!
Mow my lawn you lousy brat!” he screamed with an almost insane degree of happiness. Morgan, on the other hand, had just woke up from a long night of arguing with Alpha and Omega about their Anti-Chasm stratagem. “I just don’t get how they have that much fucking energy left.” he muttered under his breath as he set his four foot mug of boiling lava like coffee down on a the Corrupt Ant Mayor who was muttering a similar thing, and setting his drop of morning dew on the Corrupt Dustmite Mayor.
“I really hate you… and how the fuck did you survive!?” he asked angrily as Alvin, Theodore, Bruce Willis and Butters re-enacted famous scenes from “Something about Maradith” Morgan thought it was way too early to be dealing with this. In fact, ever since the Fragments of Reality had bonded with him, Kim, Nordafet, and Antimo, strange things had been happening more often then not. He couldn’t really get a bearing of where he was, not that it actually mattered to him, because there was bound to be a fight over something stupid sooner or later. It appeared as if the horridly robotic and emotionally challenged Julie Chen bot 5000 had taken them back to the Big Brother house. Morgan blinked again as the millions of mirrors reflected the insanely bright stage lights he was using to cook his eggs with.
“Fuck.” was all he said before he noticed a cruise missile sized thing heading straight towards him. “Double fuck.” he muttered as the object ran out of fuel before slamming into the ground.
“
Aneeh Arhem, please report to the dairy room, you need to be hooked up to milk pump number fifteen… again.” a bored, angst filled, monotone voice shouted with a perverted sense of justice. “Triple fuck.” Morgan exclaimed as he stretched his arms in a bit of annoyance and turned around, only to realize that Joseph and Joshua Arhem were sitting at the table across from him reading the paper. “Um… what?”
Joshua looked up and waved casually before explaining what had happened. “In short, the Chen kicked both the Door and the Chasm’s asses, took out almost an infinite amount of universes, and than cloned a bunch of hick versions of what a bastard child between Glenn Beck and Jabba the Hut might look like.” Joseph yawned and looked very bored. “After which the Glenn/Jabba children munched away at whatever energy we had when we punched them in the face, and… well… that’s how we wound up here. You want to know the hilarious part of it all?” Joshua asked Morgan, who was trying desperately to understand how he couldn’t just punch these two in the head. “Aneeh’s going insane in here, usually she out and about killing off my immortal brother here in very unusual ways.”
“Fuckage times five.” Morgan stated while Kim walked out of the HOH room holding three machine guns, four doilies, and a rubber duck. The three men in the kitchen looked up at her with a questionable sneer. ”Target practice.” she said simply as the brown haired woman jumped from the second story to the first, making the tiny corrupt ant mayor shit larvae out his thorax.
”So, what the Hell is happening to the Chasm in the mean time?” Reason said as he took over Morgans body, “Because I sure as Hell would like to know why someone keeps telling me to stop that whenever I scratch myself.” Joseph and Joshua yawned as Aneeh came out of the dairy room with two milk pumps attached to her breasts. ”They took my weapons. And I have to provide several tons of milks a day.
This is fucked!” she complained.
“You know what?” Nordafet said as he stuck his head out of the cabana room, “I am seriously enjoying not having to fight you. That and hearing Heta telling Antimo to get her more nanners and calling him a bitchwig every ten seconds-” “
BITCHWIG!” “See? The fun never stops!” he giggled as he disappeared back into his room. “What?” Kim sighed as the house became transparent and blew up, transporting all of the Houseguests to legoland.
“I’m not enjoying this anymore.” Antimo said as he mashed up bananas in a Tweety Bird sippy cup. “Good morning Houseguests! Today, you will battle to the death!” Morgan perked up when he heard the words battle, morning, death, sippy cup, bitchwig, and Chen bot.
“Swee-” “With cotton balls, Peeps, and a single wet noodle that’s still brittle.”
“Fuckage times six.” he mumbled under his breath. Antimo and Nordafet were trying to get Tsan and Heta to jump through a tiny hoop of fire when a thought occurred to the Doem.
“So… where the fuckage is Barney Fife? Isn’t he supposed to-” ”
BITCHWIG!” “Be fighting the insurmountable odds of improbability and Swedish sex starved twins?” Antimo giggled with glee, while at the same time spilling Heta’s order of nanners. “I hope so, this not fighting crap is bugging the shit out of me!” he growled, when the bored monotone voice of the house interrupted their peace and quiet.
“The tournament prelims are as follows Round one: Morgan Gavin against Kim Yellik, Round two: Nordafet Deomski against Antimo Nivag, Round three: Aneeh Arhem against the corrupt Ant Mayor, Round four: Joseph Arhem against the corrupt Dustmite Mayor, and Round five: Joshua Arhem against Mechabeck. You will each fight to the death, do not underestimate your opponents, likewise, do not over estimate them either. That is all.” There was an awkward silence in the Legoland entrance as each match up was lead to a different themed part of the amusement park. Morgan and Kim went to the pirate themed water park, Nordafet and Antimo were lead to the Marx Brothers diner, Aneeh and the Ant Mayor traveled to the Twilight movie set where filming was taking place, Joshua and Mechabeck jogged to Glenn Becks trial for crimes against Existence while bad violin recitals played in their ears, Joseph and the Dustmite Mayor walked to a Dance Dance Revolution tournament. Each knew the stakes were high, each wanted to win a lifetime’s supply of mayo that expired two years earlier and was now running for Kim Jong Ils replacement.
In the darkness of their minds, cockroach fights played in their childhood memories, and for a single instant, they all upchucked their insides outside their bodies. “I’m not going to enjoy this one bit Kim.” Morgan said in a hyperactive, uber cheerful voice that epicly betrayed his words. Kim on the other hand, was preparing herself mentally for the fight ahead while Sho was installing all of the possible combos in her mind.
‘So just remember to call out anything you want and shit will just happen.’ the Fragment lazily shouted while wearing a hardhat made of loft, pliable, heroin soaked leather. “Just like everything else in this fucking place…”
”Pretty much.” the Fragment replied, satisfied that in the four minutes she had been with Kim, the Human had learned everything she needed to. The bored house’s voice rang over the loud speaker. “Round one will be staged… set in the pirate Lego town of Shock n Block. Begin! To the death! Your battle must be!” Morgan was annoyed at the house voice.
“
SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY!” he yelled out loud as Kim was already on the attack. “Sho, Psi, Rho!” she called out as blade of green hardened emeralds shot out of her fingertips to a length of ten feet.
“What’s all this now!?” Morgan whispered as a green bladder filled with the stink juice of ten million ants washed over him. “Um… ouch?” “
Fight me asshat!” she shouted with a renewed vigor, hoping to finally punish Morgan with out Caasi’s interference.
“You, are very pushy! But I will comply if you wish me to, Ātisuto bōchō risan kazoku saikai no rendaringu!” he called out while red fur covered his body and black obsidian claws extended from his elbows, palms, shoulders, knees, and heels. “Guess what? You just rolled into the pain train, and I’m it’s conductor!” Morgan said in a quickly lowering voice. The two clashed as the Lost Wolf’s hidden power slammed against Kim’s stone hard defenses.
“Remember this feeling of helplessness?” Kim said as she flicked the Lost Wolf in his nose, unclogging a much needed airway while slamming him into a member of MENSA’s rendering of New York cities red light district. “Hey, this ‘aint pirate themed…
Oh! I get it now! 4 Kazenokami no tsume jū!” the black claws shot from his palms, drilling though Kim’s enlarged Popeye like forearms.
“Right… this could go on for a while! I have some interesting news from my master, the God of Terror!” Morgan froze long enough for the claws to nail his feet in place. “I defeated that clown haired buffoon once, and I’ll do it again!”
”
Fool! That clown haired idiot has evolved beyond his need of rainbow colored wigs and Paris Hilton themed hair products!” Kim shouted as she unleashed another combo, “Rho, Chi, Nu, Xi!” instantly a park beck appeared directly in front of Morgan, and then the Gideons flocked over to him, only the Gideon’s were fifty year old men with nail bats, chainsaws, Whoopi Goldberg albums, and other things of the greatest destruction. “Lord help me as I- Shi o atsukau sumāfu no ansatsu-sha!” the old men were greeted by a well dressed, Valure wearing, Brainy Smurf with a tiny suitcase.
“Yo, yous got a problem with Papa Smurf? Papa Smurf gives his regards to the boys in da retirement home. I’ll kills you in the face!” Morgan was surprised when the suitcase transformed into a three foot tall Mecha with the latest in mushroom cap shielding, fungal plated frame, and ant juice oiled joints.
“
OH YEAH, KILL THEM A-“ no sooner had Brainy Smurf turned to Morgan to give him a thumbs up did the grumpy old men bash, slash, and stab him in the head, splattering a deep blue wave of tiny Smurf blood onto him. He was officialy screaming so hard he wet himself.
Morgan awoke to the sounds of three giant Glenn Becks, jovially rolling down a hill of dung while retracting his statements about Obama being a racist. “I can’t identify with those comments Mr. Wallace! Mow my lawn you lousy brat!” he screamed with an almost insane degree of happiness. Morgan, …
