defenatley not what you think

custodi della realta, part 10

The Puppet King sat alone between the volatile barriers that sat two million miles away from him on either side. His brow furrowed a little bit as he looked down upon the laser scapel set before him, trying to save a mans life. A bead of wooden sweat formed and fell off of the king, as the thin energy like strings gleamed a little of the darkness away form his thoughts. There wasn’t really much to think about though. He felt a little guilty that he wasn’t able to defeat the Gaurdians to obtain the power and strength needed the destroy the Golden Strands at their source.

“No… I can’t cut there.” he said out of the side of his mouth.

The nervous fat man strapped to the operating table, rattled off index names for a file folder labled under “Zoophilian Odyshee” skatebaording. Barney Fife got bored of playing doctor and casually tapped the laser scapel against the metal ring that surrounded the fat mans organs. A sad cloud formed over his head, the Puppet King not taking notice, not out of ignorance, but because there was too much at stake. “Why wasn’t I able to win!?” he screamed as the strings that rose to the infinite heights tensed up. The sad cloud had it’s faux black hair combed over its face as it simply bean cutting its wrists in an attempt to feel alive. The ice cold water flooded out of the wounds and crushed the nervous fat man under the tremendious weight of the sad cloud’s depression. Still no reaction from Barney.

“Why should there be a war between Existence and Non-existence? It just doesn’t make any sense! Don’t they realize that one cannot exist with out the other, and if one side should gain the upper hand over the other, then the tables will turn on the victor?” thunder rampaged across the lightless sky as the Avatars for the Door and the Chasm simply rose from the endless fog that slowly began the surround Barney Fife. “Why should you care of all people? Your no hero!” Chrissy Chasm scolded harshly.

“The Chasm represents all things the Door does not. And the Door shows all the things the Chasm cannot. So why should there be a war when it would be just as easy to forge an alliance between the two sides!?” Barney snapped back as he got to his feet just as the sad cloud floated on by the next mountain range, revealing a breath taking view of the single pulsating heart which bound all things together. Tina turned away from Barney, pointing outwards as Chrissy touched fingertip to that of her sister. Barney saw the colossal amount of force being exerted in the space between the fingers, and realized that should one touch the other, all would be lost. “This still doesnt explain the fighting though.” Barney grunted as he stretched his legs for a while. Tina laughed and shunted her hand just a bit more towards the center of the force ball.

“What’s there to explain?” Chrissy sighed, “Both Existence and Non-existence are simply states of flux, Existence being that light rebounds off of the body, therefor, you can thoroughly interact with the enviroment around you.” Tina’s hand had just punched through the other side of the force ball, her figertips, jamming themselves deep into Chrissy’s breast meat with out so much as a flinch from the woman. Tina laughed wildly as her sister simply stood there and finished explaining her own personal theories.

“And Non-existence-” she began with an audible shudder. “Is when nothing sees, hears, feels, or even perceives you.” her black and silver colored eyes began to glow sadly as she remembered the Chasm’s constant pain. Barney Fife seemed to understand none of it at all. Just then, he saw one warrior from each side step through the barrier and rush towards the other at almost insanely impossible speeds. A knight in bloody armor with several deranged looking blades seemingly piercing his body through out every angle of his chest flew from the Door of Existence’s side. While what looked like, much to Barney Fife’s exotic pleasure and gut wrenching disgust, a porn star in a french maid’s outfit from a shoot gone terribly wrong. Her legs and arms had holes, bursting with a foul stench of sour milk, Steve Jobs speeches about the new Iphone, and a Glenn Beck University degree in bullshitting. The two clashed with each other, raging against the other with almost lion like ferocity. But both were struck down in the first blows and simply swapped sides and ran towards each other again.

“It just seems so pointless to be fighting a never ending war in which you just get revived on the opposite side you started out on. So please,” Barney pleaded with the two Avatars for the massive opponents, “Tell me! What real choice does the Lost Wolf have? To fight or not to fight? To just wake up and pretend like none of his struggles or losses meant anything? What is it that you are both trying to say? is it simply that no matter how hard we try in our meangless lives that well simply restart on the enemies side, no matter who they happen to be?” the puppet king shouted with a deep, open, roar as tears leaked from his eyes. “Why did my master revive me? What possible point did he have to make!?” his fist hit the floor of fog with such power behind it, that the shock simply ripped a nearby Edgar James Lipton a new one. To which he was thankful.

The Puppet King looked up in fury, he was fighting a battle long since stale mated, there was nothing to lose anymore in his mind. “FINE!” he roared, as his mind twisted and splintered from the stress of everything.

“YOU WANT ME TO FIGHT!? YOU WANT TO KEEP FIGHTING A POINTLESS BATTLE THAT HAS A BEGINNING BUT NO END!?” the knight blindly charged at Barney Fife with both fire and rage in his cold, dead, and long since blinded eyes with sword drawn and shield flung at the Puppet King’s head. Still furious at his predicament, Barney let the shield connect with his head, the chip that was carved out, deep enough for it to stick out like a sore thumb. “Then I shall fight. Not for the Door of Existence, whose only merit is light rebounding off of it. Nor shall I fight for the Chasm of Non-existence, whose cold and deathly grip offers nothing more than a disturbed clawing of Reality.”

The knight continued to charge towards the great Puppet King. “La Magia Cadena De Negro: Doce Toneladas De Títeres Araña!” he whispered as the Black Strings which filled his body shot from his back, forming a mountain sized black wing while he finished his thought.

“Magia Blanca Cadena: Desilusionados Guadaña Sangrienta De Los Titanes Alma.” the white string that Tsuren Tao filled him with shot from his chest to form another giant wing. “Gris Cola Mágica: Titanes Araña Guadaña Sangrienta.” the Black and White string slammed together into a furious tornado of Hellish forces and twisted mind set.

“I… will fight for myself, and myself only! I CHALLENGE ALL TO ATTACK ME! REGARDLESS OF YOUR CHOSEN SIDE!”

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Simian Mobile Disco, part 1

There is a place of such a high level of funk, so much hipster jive, so much hippy smell that it only has a few residents. That place is named the Simian Mobile Disco, an intergalactic toilet of the refuse that the god of funk spits out. These, are their tales!

may 30th, 2099pm.

It’s a normal day for the members of the funky secret society known as the Simian Mobile Disco as their members congregate for their daily net trollings, link sharing, and interpretive dance classes. The leader of this group is known as Darkside, a short chubby guy with a bush bigger then the afro on his head. He points galantly at the screen with one hand, and does the disco duck with the other, motioning his fellow Simian Discoers towards him. “Actually watch this shit people, its fucking amazing.” he says in a loud, proud bravado while punching the unfunky demon Dyethemblack in the face, who simply decides to convert and join the SMD in their on going three hour quest to find Suffers missing bag of Doritos!

DyeThemBlack, a small taiwanian girl with big black glasses and even bigger bright pink hair that puffs out from underneath her Stormtrooper helmet sighs, “It’s not the original video, which is even better. Oh wait, I thought you were talking about Hustler.” she says, adjusting herself while playing with hula hoops. Darksides eyes burst wide open, as his mind rockets towards the very funky thought of watching the original video and having unadulterated sex with Dyethemblack “THERES A BETTER VERSION?! WHERE?” the leader of the SMD striking a funkalicious pose and pointing towards the frozen, but slowly melting corpse of the former Admiral Barney Fife.

Suffer, the SMDs technological guru holds up a mighty, and neon colored hologram card with the correct link to the original video, while flashing a back lit, glow in the dark peace sign in the frozen corpses direction, for no other reason… then to be funky! “Here you go.” he says simply, with cool and forward thinking undertones. Dyethemblack snatches the hologram away from the tech guru and gives it to Darkside with a smile and a bit of jiggliness from jumping. “Here!” she says coyfully, “My link is better because it’s from me! tee hee!”

Suffer shakes his head, and notices that Darkside’s blond bush is growing faster, but decides a flamethrower would be better then an futuristic electric shaver. He sets the proud, inter planetary funk master a light in a desperate, and well earned, plea for more space in the small eight by ten room.

IN THE FOURTH DIMENSION!

“She lies!” he says, pointing his left index finger into the side of her right boob, “My link is the best link ever linked!” Suffer brags as disco porn music fills the air, and the bass starts pumping!

IN THE FOURTH DIMENSION!

Darkside grabs a hold of Dyethemblack, and plants a kiss on her, and then spits to the side as he watches the video that was linked to him. “um… not as good… IN THE FOURTH DIMENSION!”

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Custodi Della Realtà, part 7.4

Outside of the mobile mansion, it was a serene and quiet winter wonderland, covered in hundreds of reindeer and elf corpses which lined the devestating battle between Santas good and evil.

“Ho, ho, ho!” the Evil Santa replied as the Good Santa brought out his big red sack, scratched it, and then placed it back in his trousers, then swung his magic velvet bag of gifts at Evil Santa, but before the bag could impact the fiery Evil Santa’s head, they were both stomped on by the Colossus of Darkness.

’Only I shall be the decider!” it roared in fury, as the Planetoid’s crust opened up, like a pill bug unfurling itself after a threat had passes. The face of Brad Pitt stared out into the vastness of space, looking for the Chasm’s presence in the all consuming roar of the black, heartless, and wildly unknown void.

“Who are you, one whose size means nothing in a place like this?” a tiny voice called out, fiery in passion, ice cold in intelligence, and wielding a wet noodle shaped like Al Gore’s face. The Planetoid’s face stretched outward, revealing a small threadlike neck that seem to go on for miles. The Colossus of Darkness became level with the stranger, looked him dead in the eyes, and said the only thing that popped into his mind.

“I… am… Batman.” the Planetoids face said in growling tones.

“No…I’m Batman, you, are the Colossus of Darkness! Destroyer of trillions, and receiver of AOL demo discs. Welcome to the Other Side!” the stranger said while dressed like Batman. “You might want to rethink your shape in this place friend-“

”I AM NO ONE’S FRIEND!” the Colossus roared, as storm clouds gathered in a spiral formation, looking like all the universes sick and disturbed visions, while blood like lightning rained down upon the ground around the Colossus.

The stranger sighed nonchalantly.

“Yeah… and I’m Batman, I thought we already covered this?” the tiny Batman impersonator said, while the Colossus suddenly and unexpectedly became a famous line dancer by the name of Cod Williamson. But then Cod Williamson had a falling out with his rabid, and infinite fanbase when he called country music “Nothing more the cowboys and cowgirls bitching about their problems while doing a jig.” This led to severe depression, and just because he could, he destroyed the very planet he became famous on.

Two days later, the pill bug like Colossus squiggled back to the impersonator.

”Feel better?” the tiny man in the Batman costume asked.

“No… I don’t. I wanted a hot dog too.” the Colossus replied as magma like tears dropped from the Brad Pitt looking face.

The mobile mansion passed by the tiny person and the Colossus, and the Thompson family stopped by, what they thought was a tourist attraction, to take pictures. But that didn’t seem to be the brightest idea to the Kotaku’s and they got into an argument with the Thompsons. Then the Overland family became embroiled in the fight while the fourth family, then Cambrites, simply stared ahead as they continued taking pictures, while the foot of the Colossus tried squishing them.

Morgan looked up just in time to see the foot and jumped in the picture at the last minute, holing up his hands.

“SPIRIT BOMB! Oh shit, wrong place or time.” but it was too late, as the spiritual energies gathered into a large and frankly violent looking punk rock band from the 80’s trashing a record store. “Bokushingu no seishin wo! Iwa darake no roketto panchi!” Morgan called out, as the spirit of Rocky Balboa knocked the record store trashers out, and sent their forms flying into the foot of the Colossus. Rocky then sent a haymaker into the front of the little toe of the Colossus, then screamed out the name of Adrian, before exploding into a little pile of confetti.

“Wow… was not expecting that to happen… at all.” Morgan said as he watched the foot of the Colossus slam down on both the Cambrites and himself.

The Thompson, Kotaku, and Overland families stopped their arguing, shooting, and back stabbing, just long enough for the Colossus to step on them as well. Aneeh simply stood up from the pile of pointy statues and laughed, until she was stepped on too, repeatedly, and with enough force to cause some serious earthquake issues.

”I am the Colossus of Darkness, fear my strength!” it roared. The Batman impersonator took off his mask, and it turned out to be Morgan Freeman, who simply began to read ‘Catcher In The Rye’.

The feet lifted off their perspective targets, and only Morgan, Aneeh, and Antimo survived the onslaught.

“That was painful. Beyond recognition.” Antimo said calmly, as he simply brushed the debris off his shoulder. Morgan was a little too dazed to really get into the moment, but he wondered where they were, and more importantly, what he was originally doing.

The Door of Existence and the Chasm of Non-existence conversed through the broken, mangled, and burnt beyond recognition body of Barney Fife, former Robot King. His body, which had gone through battle with eight of the ten Guardians of Reality, simply acted like a vessel for the Door and the Chasm.

“I had fun these last few weeks, didn’t you?” the voice of the Chasm spoke in gurgling, dark tones that reeked of a volition of hatred for Existence and everything that stood for.

“You called that fun? You’re a monster! We sacrificed hundreds of thousands of millions of yottas of lives, simply for you to say that you had some fun!?” the Door replied, angered that the Chasm would think of such a thing as fun.

“Yes.” the Chasm said simply, the energies that were coursing through Barney Fife’s corpse caused tentacles of fire to rip across his face.

“You’re right! That was TONS fun! It was shame that the Great Mouth had to die in the process, although we could bring it back as well.” the door concurred.

The lips of the Great Mouth fell from the untold heights and slammed into the ground, right next to Barney Fife with out so much as a shock wave. The great mouth, whose size was nearly that of a mountain in comparison to the body of Barney Fife, rumbled a little bit before settling down.

“We should revive them, dearest Father and beloved Mother.” a new voice calmly said as it walked out of the Great Mouth’s ball of insects with a half torn smile on his face.

“I really do miss my little sister.” the man laughed as his weighted trench coat floated around his legs, which had been wrapped in heavy steel springs. The being who walked out the shadows, was none other than Joshua Arhem.

”I would love to see her smiling face again, wouldn’t you as well, my loving parents?”

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Outside of the mobile mansion, it was a serene and quiet winter wonderland, covered in hundreds of reindeer and elf corpses which lined the devestating battle between Santas good and evil. “Ho, ho, ho!” the Evil Santa replied as the Good Santa brought out his big red sack, scratched it, and then p …