defenatley not what you think

custodi della realta, part 11.1

Morgan awoke to the sounds of three giant Glenn Becks, jovially rolling down a hill of dung while retracting his statements about Obama being a racist.

“I can’t identify with those comments Mr. Wallace! Mow my lawn you lousy brat!” he screamed with an almost insane degree of happiness. Morgan, on the other hand, had just woke up from a long night of arguing with Alpha and Omega about their Anti-Chasm stratagem. “I just don’t get how they have that much fucking energy left.” he muttered under his breath as he set his four foot mug of boiling lava like coffee down on a the Corrupt Ant Mayor who was muttering a similar thing, and setting his drop of morning dew on the Corrupt Dustmite Mayor.

“I really hate you… and how the fuck did you survive!?” he asked angrily as Alvin, Theodore, Bruce Willis and Butters re-enacted famous scenes from “Something about Maradith” Morgan thought it was way too early to be dealing with this. In fact, ever since the Fragments of Reality had bonded with him, Kim, Nordafet, and Antimo, strange things had been happening more often then not. He couldn’t really get a bearing of where he was, not that it actually mattered to him, because there was bound to be a fight over something stupid sooner or later. It appeared as if the horridly robotic and emotionally challenged Julie Chen bot 5000 had taken them back to the Big Brother house. Morgan blinked again as the millions of mirrors reflected the insanely bright stage lights he was using to cook his eggs with.

“Fuck.” was all he said before he noticed a cruise missile sized thing heading straight towards him. “Double fuck.” he muttered as the object ran out of fuel before slamming into the ground.

“Aneeh Arhem, please report to the dairy room, you need to be hooked up to milk pump number fifteen… again.” a bored, angst filled, monotone voice shouted with a perverted sense of justice. “Triple fuck.” Morgan exclaimed as he stretched his arms in a bit of annoyance and turned around, only to realize that Joseph and Joshua Arhem were sitting at the table across from him reading the paper. “Um… what?”

Joshua looked up and waved casually before explaining what had happened. “In short, the Chen kicked both the Door and the Chasm’s asses, took out almost an infinite amount of universes, and than cloned a bunch of hick versions of what a bastard child between Glenn Beck and Jabba the Hut might look like.” Joseph yawned and looked very bored. “After which the Glenn/Jabba children munched away at whatever energy we had when we punched them in the face, and… well… that’s how we wound up here. You want to know the hilarious part of it all?” Joshua asked Morgan, who was trying desperately to understand how he couldn’t just punch these two in the head. “Aneeh’s going insane in here, usually she out and about killing off my immortal brother here in very unusual ways.”

“Fuckage times five.” Morgan stated while Kim walked out of the HOH room holding three machine guns, four doilies, and a rubber duck. The three men in the kitchen looked up at her with a questionable sneer. ”Target practice.” she said simply as the brown haired woman jumped from the second story to the first, making the tiny corrupt ant mayor shit larvae out his thorax.

”So, what the Hell is happening to the Chasm in the mean time?” Reason said as he took over Morgans body, “Because I sure as Hell would like to know why someone keeps telling me to stop that whenever I scratch myself.” Joseph and Joshua yawned as Aneeh came out of the dairy room with two milk pumps attached to her breasts. ”They took my weapons. And I have to provide several tons of milks a day. This is fucked!” she complained.

“You know what?” Nordafet said as he stuck his head out of the cabana room, “I am seriously enjoying not having to fight you. That and hearing Heta telling Antimo to get her more nanners and calling him a bitchwig every ten seconds-” “BITCHWIG!”

“See? The fun never stops!” he giggled as he disappeared back into his room. “What?” Kim sighed as the house became transparent and blew up, transporting all of the Houseguests to legoland.

“I’m not enjoying this anymore.” Antimo said as he mashed up bananas in a Tweety Bird sippy cup. “Good morning Houseguests! Today, you will battle to the death!” Morgan perked up when he heard the words battle, morning, death, sippy cup, bitchwig, and Chen bot.

“Swee-” “With cotton balls, Peeps, and a single wet noodle that’s still brittle.”

“Fuckage times six.” he mumbled under his breath. Antimo and Nordafet were trying to get Tsan and Heta to jump through a tiny hoop of fire when a thought occurred to the Doem.

“So… where the fuckage is Barney Fife? Isn’t he supposed to-” ”BITCHWIG!”

“Be fighting the insurmountable odds of improbability and Swedish sex starved twins?” Antimo giggled with glee, while at the same time spilling Heta’s order of nanners. “I hope so, this not fighting crap is bugging the shit out of me!” he growled, when the bored monotone voice of the house interrupted their peace and quiet.

“The tournament prelims are as follows Round one: Morgan Gavin against Kim Yellik, Round two: Nordafet Deomski against Antimo Nivag, Round three: Aneeh Arhem against the corrupt Ant Mayor, Round four: Joseph Arhem against the corrupt Dustmite Mayor, and Round five: Joshua Arhem against Mechabeck. You will each fight to the death, do not underestimate your opponents, likewise, do not over estimate them either. That is all.” There was an awkward silence in the Legoland entrance as each match up was lead to a different themed part of the amusement park. Morgan and Kim went to the pirate themed water park, Nordafet and Antimo were lead to the Marx Brothers diner, Aneeh and the Ant Mayor traveled to the Twilight movie set where filming was taking place, Joshua and Mechabeck jogged to Glenn Becks trial for crimes against Existence while bad violin recitals played in their ears, Joseph and the Dustmite Mayor walked to a Dance Dance Revolution tournament. Each knew the stakes were high, each wanted to win a lifetime’s supply of mayo that expired two years earlier and was now running for Kim Jong Ils replacement.

In the darkness of their minds, cockroach fights played in their childhood memories, and for a single instant, they all upchucked their insides outside their bodies. “I’m not going to enjoy this one bit Kim.” Morgan said in a hyperactive, uber cheerful voice that epicly betrayed his words. Kim on the other hand, was preparing herself mentally for the fight ahead while Sho was installing all of the possible combos in her mind.

‘So just remember to call out anything you want and shit will just happen.’ the Fragment lazily shouted while wearing a hardhat made of loft, pliable, heroin soaked leather. “Just like everything else in this fucking place…”

”Pretty much.” the Fragment replied, satisfied that in the four minutes she had been with Kim, the Human had learned everything she needed to. The bored house’s voice rang over the loud speaker. “Round one will be staged… set in the pirate Lego town of Shock n Block. Begin! To the death! Your battle must be!” Morgan was annoyed at the house voice.

“SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY!” he yelled out loud as Kim was already on the attack. “Sho, Psi, Rho!” she called out as blade of green hardened emeralds shot out of her fingertips to a length of ten feet.

“What’s all this now!?” Morgan whispered as a green bladder filled with the stink juice of ten million ants washed over him. “Um… ouch?” “Fight me asshat!” she shouted with a renewed vigor, hoping to finally punish Morgan with out Caasi’s interference.

“You, are very pushy! But I will comply if you wish me to, Ātisuto bōchō risan kazoku saikai no rendaringu!” he called out while red fur covered his body and black obsidian claws extended from his elbows, palms, shoulders, knees, and heels. “Guess what? You just rolled into the pain train, and I’m it’s conductor!” Morgan said in a quickly lowering voice. The two clashed as the Lost Wolf’s hidden power slammed against Kim’s stone hard defenses.

“Remember this feeling of helplessness?” Kim said as she flicked the Lost Wolf in his nose, unclogging a much needed airway while slamming him into a member of MENSA’s rendering of New York cities red light district. “Hey, this ‘aint pirate themed… Oh! I get it now! 4 Kazenokami no tsume jū!” the black claws shot from his palms, drilling though Kim’s enlarged Popeye like forearms.

“Right… this could go on for a while! I have some interesting news from my master, the God of Terror!” Morgan froze long enough for the claws to nail his feet in place. “I defeated that clown haired buffoon once, and I’ll do it again!”

”Fool! That clown haired idiot has evolved beyond his need of rainbow colored wigs and Paris Hilton themed hair products!” Kim shouted as she unleashed another combo, “Rho, Chi, Nu, Xi!” instantly a park beck appeared directly in front of Morgan, and then the Gideons flocked over to him, only the Gideon’s were fifty year old men with nail bats, chainsaws, Whoopi Goldberg albums, and other things of the greatest destruction. “Lord help me as I- Shi o atsukau sumāfu no ansatsu-sha!” the old men were greeted by a well dressed, Valure wearing, Brainy Smurf with a tiny suitcase.

“Yo, yous got a problem with Papa Smurf? Papa Smurf gives his regards to the boys in da retirement home. I’ll kills you in the face!” Morgan was surprised when the suitcase transformed into a three foot tall Mecha with the latest in mushroom cap shielding, fungal plated frame, and ant juice oiled joints.

“OH YEAH, KILL THEM A-“ no sooner had Brainy Smurf turned to Morgan to give him a thumbs up did the grumpy old men bash, slash, and stab him in the head, splattering a deep blue wave of tiny Smurf blood onto him. He was officialy screaming so hard he wet himself.

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Morgan awoke to the sounds of three giant Glenn Becks, jovially rolling down a hill of dung while retracting his statements about Obama being a racist. “I can’t identify with those comments Mr. Wallace! Mow my lawn you lousy brat!” he screamed with an almost insane degree of happiness. Morgan, …

custodi della realta, part 10.5

“Oblivion awaits for those that dare attack the citadel!” a greasy deaf man said as he squeaked across the floor of a large wooden Donkey Kong country like church. “You can’t catch me!” he noted as Alex tried to get a grip on him through a few submission moves, but ultimately failed in a hugely inadvisable way. Just then, a beast with purple dongs for fingers picked him up, and slowly pulled his head off the preacher’s shoulders. much to the greasy deaf mans joy.

“The infidel is dead!” he warbled, “Long live the Dong Monsters of Dong Juan Alejand!” the wooden citadel burst into flames as the greasy deaf man and the Dong monster feasted upon the preacher’s headless remains. The Fragments of Reality screamed in agony as each of their number was ripped away from their quest back to their leaders.

“I’m sorry, we’ve failed in our quest!” Pi sobbed with blood smattered on his hands, face, and chest. “They tore him apart! Cell by cell, Organ by organ! They literally slowly pulled his head off until Alex’s screaming stopped!” Nu continued on the horrific experience.

“It was like being in a meeting for deaf blind people, and showing them a slide show. The horror of it all!” Xi commented as she shook her head. Digamma couldn’t do anything but replay the memory in her head. “It is a shame that Alex had to die. We should consult the Elders for this kind of thing. Alex had already collected Sho and Heta’s groups. There was one last group he was to defeat… Stigma.”

There was a hushed silence as every one agreed. “That’s true… Stigma was the one group leader that could prevented Alex’s demise. Perhaps we should go back to Morgan and the group? I hear there was a new addition to the group recently, and maybe she could help us on our journey?” Chi asked Psi and Tau, concerned for the well being of the other Fragments. “We must make sure that what happened to the Skeletal Angels, does not happen to us!” Tau raged, standing tall as his ebony skin glared in the red moonlight. “There must be leadership! Over all objectives! Structure and organization! we must not go into this half assed like the preacher did!” he continued.

“Tau, we all know that Alex was a powerful warrior in the guise of a preacher. But don’t you think we should start by electing leaders to us?” Sho commented. There was a brief silence before the eldest of the Fragments, Omega, chimed in. “Alrighty, I’ve got it!” the others listened with baited breath as Pi, and others that had blood stains on there bodies cleaned them selves off. “Sho, Heta, Tsan and Stigma shall be the leaders of the four groups.”

Heta raised a hand to ask a question. “You mean like how we were before Alex was killed?” “Yes, exactly… but you and Tsan will have to share leadership for you group, thus making it three groups.” Omega finished.

Psi, Chi, and Phi liked that idea. “Okay then, who will be in each group though?” Omega thought for a minute. “That does pose and interesting thought, well how about we go by number of letters in our names? Sho will have the ones that have two to three letters, Heta and Tsan will have four to five, and Stigma will get six to seven. That should even things out a bit!” he said will a smile.

Epsilon, who had remained mostly quiet during the meeting, spoke up at last. “So what you’re saying is that Sho would have under her command the following people… Mu, Nu, Xi, Pi, Rho, Tau, Phi, Chi, Psi, Eta and San? That would be eleven people.” the listed Fragments stood over by Sho while Epsilon continued. “That’s good, next we would have Heta and Tsan. Those two would have four to five, am I correct so far Omega?” he nodded quietly. “So that means that both would have Beta, Delta, Zeta, Iota, Alpha, Omega-” epsilon was interrupted by alpha. “No, Omega and myself would be the top dogs, given that in most of the Existence’s holy books, they say we are the beginning and end. So it would make a bit more sense.”

There was general murmur of agreement to some extent and Epsilon continued. “Right then, so those two would have Beta, Delta, Zeta, Iota, Theta, Kappa, Sigma, Qoppa and Sampi?” Epsilon finished and waited for the Fragments listed off to wait by Heta and Tsan before continuing. “And then Stigma would get myself, Lambda, Upsilon, Omicron, and Digamma?” Epsilon tried contemplating the logistics of it all. “In that case, we would all have to go to a different person in order to be used effectively. Well, I should think that Alpha and Omega return to Morgan, Sho go to their newest member, Heta and Tsan go to Nordafet and Antimo, and Stigma go to Resaec, as much as I hate to admit it… the former God of Terror still has some alliance towards the Lost Wolf.” Alpha and Omega whispered to each other before speaking their thoughts. “I think we would better utilized if Stigma formed himself a body instead of going to Resaec, there is a chance that the Golden Strands will try, if the current plan of action is put into place, to influence Resaec to use Stigma’s group for the over all destruction.”

Epsilon nodded, his mind going towards this new plan of action as more suitable. “Well thought out! This plan should help us combat the Chasm’s plans more so then if we had all been gathered in one place! Though our abilities still remain the same, Sho will been quick, Heta and Tsan will remain shock and awe, Stigma will be powerful and focused, Alpha and Omega will be ultimate beginning and end. Meeting adjurned, please go to your designated group leaders and prepare for transport to your new homes.” As everyone prepared themselves, a strange thought entered into Nu’s mind. “What if the Chasm revives the preacher? And he attacks Morgan’s group. We’ll have to fight him, won’t we?” the rest of the Fragments shared his sentiment.

“That’s true, but he’ll be just a puppet of the Chasm, much like how Barney Fife was a puppet for the Great Mouth.” Theta spoke up as she kissed Sampi goodbye. Back in the grave yard where Kim was attempting to punch Morgan in the head, she felt like something jammed itself into the side of her neck. She paused for a moment and felt around till she happened upon a blue and green shard of crystal. ‘Don’t worry about a thing Kim, my name’s Sho, and you’ll have me to aid you in fights against the Chasm. You’ll know the proper combos once conversion from crystalline to biological cells is complete.’ Kim was confused by the sudden and inexplicable surge of compassion for Morgan’s cause welling up inside of her.

‘I guess it’s alright. I don’t really have a choice in the matter do I?’ she asked Sho, who gave her a negative thought back. ‘Not in the slightest.’

Morgan felt something Jabbing itself into his left buttcheek and felt a rush of adrenal fluid enter his brain. “Damn it! WTF is it this time! Reason, check it out, I think we might have some repeat customers…” the Lost Wolf grumbled as Reason scanned his mind and reported back. “Alpha and Omega are back under your control. Do you want me to return them to their holding cells?”

Morgan thought hard and long on the question before answering. “Nah… let ‘em roam free for now. I already know what the plan of attack is. Besides, watching Kim freak out is reward enough.”

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“Oblivion awaits for those that dare attack the citadel!” a greasy deaf man said as he squeaked across the floor of a large wooden Donkey Kong country like church. “You can’t catch me!” he noted as Alex tried to get a grip on him through a few submission moves, but ultimately failed in a hugely …